Over-Functioning at the Holidays
Written by Dr. Donna Gilman
Frazzled. Overextended. Overwhelmed.
Sound familiar?
Sitting in a friend’s car this weekend, we review our lunch options. In an effort to spend time together and get errands done, we have joined forces for a few hours.
“Panera?” I suggest.
“Not enough time for that,” my friend says, “I have to get a bunch of holiday shopping done.” We settle on Dunkin' Donuts, avocado toast and hash browns. We gobble these down while finalizing the spots we need to hit. The grocery store for me. Marshalls, TJ Maxx, Barnes and Noble, Target and Famous Footwear for her.
I’m mostly boycotting the holidays this year. At least when it comes to any major gift giving. It’s not that I have no holiday cheer. To the contrary, I actually feel more grateful and freed up than I have in a long time. It’s that I am trying to stand firm in my decision to askew buying things, in favor of hosting and feeding those I love. It’s all part of my new imperative: no more over functioning.
This is why I’m feeling rather relaxed. My friend, on the other hand, is frantic. “I have 14 people to buy for this year,” she explains, “Well 18, if you count my co-workers.”
“But your kids and their partners are all grown,” I say, confused, “Why do you have to buy so many gifts?”
“It’s just the way it is,” she says, “I always do this massive Christmas, where I buy presents for everyone, including all the nieces and nephews and their spouses, and my sibs and their partners, the in-laws. It’s so stressful and I don’t even know how I’m going to afford it this year.”
“So why do it?” I ask. I mean, I get it. I understand perfectly why she doesn’t want to let people down. Everyone is counting on her.
“I would feel guilty if I didn’t,” she says.
Right. Guilt. My friend works full time, close to 50 hour a week, more at the holidays, to make extra money. She is the primary breadwinner in her family. She cooks dinner every night, puts money towards her grown children’s car insurance, will drop anything at a moment’s notice to help anyone in need. She is also chronically exhausted, gets debilitating migraines and has lower back pain which at times impedes her ability to walk.
Over-functioning is an epidemic in our society. Particularly as women we are conditioned to take on more than our fair share of responsibility, to protect all those we love, to fix any all problems, to give until we drop and to put ourselves last. In our desire to take care of everyone, we lose sight of ourselves and inadvertently can end up enabling or disabling the people in our lives. These patterns are often intergenerational ones, inherited through the ancestral lines, like the texture of our hair or the arch of our feet.
Over doing is a manifestation of fear in disguise, the fear of disappointing. It can also be tied to an intergenerational trauma response. And while there is no quick fix for over-functioning, there are some steps you can take, even at the holidays, to recognize your patterns and honor yourself.
Here are six things you can try this month to regulate yourself and manage a sense of overwhelm:
Notice your emotional patterns. Do you give and give and then feel used or taken advantage of? Resentment is a sign that the balance of give and take in our relationships is off. Even if you can’t fix it right now, observe without self judgement.
Move your body: Even 10 minutes a day. Your body wants to move. Stretch your arms and legs, open your chest up, give your frazzled energy an outlet.
Practice self-compassion: You matter too.
Nervous system awareness: How does it feel to be in your body? Are you taking shallow breaths? Moving too rapidly through your day? Slow down your movement just a bit. Chew your food more.
Set boundaries. Exhaustion comes from emotional over-responsibility, constant vigilance, absorbing other’s negative energies. A mantra call help. “I return everybody’s energy to them. I reclaim my own.”
Create a daily grounding moment. 5-10 minutes a day. If you can, go outside, just step on the earth and breathe. Journal, sit quietly on the edge of the tub, hug yourself.
Remember, you are not meant to carry the emotions of people you love. You are responsibility for your own regulation, your boundaries and your wellbeing. You are not here to hold the world. You are here to hold yourself.
Here’s to a less frenzied holiday season!
Clinical psychologist and co-director specializing in couples therapy with a focus on trauma-informed treatment, sex therapy, and LGBTQ issues. With extensive experience since 1995, she integrates various therapeutic models, including EFT, Gottman, and narrative therapy, alongside mindfulness and clinical hypnosis. Dr. Gilman offers transformative retreats and relationship intensives, helping couples enhance emotional and sexual intimacy by addressing deep-seated issues and fostering greater connection and resilience.
